Reflections

A few weeks ago my ex’s new gf reached out. I answered her questions and thought she’d take heed to my caution. She reached out the other day and a two day convo ensued. While she knew what I presented was the truth—he still calls, texts, tries to take me out, I figured she found solace in me saying I’m never taking him back.

She stated many times that he’s still in love with me, but that wasn’t enough for her to realize it wasn’t a good situation for her. She was relieved that I wouldn’t be a threat, but ignoring that he’s a threat to her true happiness. In true Pisces nature, I wanted to help her. I was cautioned and ridiculed for entertaining it as long as I did and eventually agreed that it wasn’t a task I should add to my list.

Me being me, I’ve looked at the situation from every vantage point. Mine as the ex-gf, but also the new-gf back when, from hers and from his. As we matched dates and observed behaviors, I realized that the gf before me was telling the truth—he is who he is until he decides to change.

But, more reflection has me a bit confused and I haven’t quite labeled these feelings:

If I’m really honest, it bothers me that he’s lied, he’s betrayed, he’s hurt me and others, yet, he’s sleeping next to someone who cares about him; someone who is happy to talk to him; someone he can hold. While on the contrary, I spend my nights alone and on most days, I don’t have any adult who seems to be all that excited to hear from me.

How do you do wrong and are rewarded?

How do you do right and you’re punished?

In this, I can truly understand that I too could have him next to me while I sleep, but my love for self realizes that the loneliness I feel at times is better than being disrespected. So this isn’t about him. I also know that my inbox has a few offers for companionship 🙄 but I’m not interested in any of those options either. So this isn’t about there being just somebody.

It’s bigger than that. I’ve made enough mistakes and ignored enough red flags to be extremely cautious of who gets this level of access to me. I know the type of energy and person I want to spend my time with. But when the person you want doesn’t want you back, a myriad of other thoughts come up. Like dang, was what I had in the past all I’m to have? Am I doomed to deal with traumatic situations? Who wouldn’t want to spend time with me—I’m pretty awesome.

It becomes a fight between what you know and what you believe to be possible. Hope that you really do deserve to be happy and that it’ll happen.

The problem becomes when I apply old tactics, strategies, behaviors, and reactions to new situations. I’ve never been in this space before. I’m changing what’s been status quo of my dating life—focusing on attracting partners who are better for me. This is where the work is. Are these behaviors who I am or are they learned reactions and approaches based on the trauma I’ve experienced; what I had to do to create happiness in toxic situations? When is my perception just off or when does someone really have me f’d up? How do I manage expectations of others?

I know that if I want better, I must be better. But I do think I’m pretty great as-is lol, but I’m willing to do the work to become my best self for me and whoever is sent to appreciate her.