Needless to say, I write A LOT! I have stuff written in notebooks, typed in emails to myself, in the Notes app on my iPhone/iPad, everywhere. I was scrolling through my notes just now, looking for things I may have written to go into my next book, when I came across this message.
I don't remember if I ever sent it...and I can't find out because I deleted everything related to him from that time period, but I do remember crying as I typed the message into my iPhone 6, with the all black case, and momentarily shifting to being angry, and then back to crying. I probably felt better after I typed it--I probably fell asleep shortly thereafter.
But today, almost 2 years later, I was reminded of the hurt I was experiencing back then. How empty I was feeling. I'd stuck by him through so much, but he couldn't handle the pressure that was placed on me. But more importantly, I read my promises, and while I had no idea what my future looked like, I knew him leaving wasn't going to stop me; I knew that the hell I was going through would eventually clear away. I recognized that even though I felt broken in those moments, there was still a voice inside me telling me that I was going to be ok, even though I did not wholeheartedly believe it. Since the ending of that relationship, I haven't had one to match, but I do have faith that it'll come.
About a year after I typed that message, I was 8 months into being a landlord, I'd started my publishing company, and I was days away from releasing my debut novel, Trust Issues.
April 11, 2016
You're saying you're still here until someone else decides I'm what they want?
Your email only confused me more. The messages you send confuse me. To be point blank, we no longer have titles, correct? You're no longer my boyfriend and I'm no longer your girlfriend, correct?
You took my title away. You took it away because you no longer want the "commitment" and "responsibility". I'm not moving backwards to the quasi-bullshit we were in for months. During that time you fucked another woman, you were still flirting and talking to other women and your response was "because I could". I did nothing of the sort. Kept myself on "reserve", you could say. No, I am not doing that again, AFTER I've already had the title. You opened the door for you to be free. I don't need you here just to communicate with me. I will surely make it on my own. You're running because I've got a lot on my shoulders which makes me extremely emotional and you don't want to deal with it. Soon enough the nonsense going on my life will be rectified, and at that point, you'll wish you hadn't taken my title away. You took away the one thing that I wanted, the one thing that showed your commitment, the glue that kept this together and you want me to believe it'll come back? You want me to have faith in that? How can I have faith in something that you are taking away right now?
Some people pray for and thank God for a relationship like ours and a person like me. And some people let both slip from their fingers. After not sleeping much, I realize you're the latter. And only time will tell us whether or not you made a great decision or an awful one. I won't regret anything because I'm not leaving, I fought for us as much as I could, and I loved you with all of my heart.
As far as how we proceed, we can play it by ear. Some days I might not give a fuck and I'll be able to talk to you, other days my emotions may get the best of me and not allow me to converse with the person who broke my heart.
Loosing the person you thought would be there forever can be frightening, but it has to be for a reason. Closure takes time, but it does come. And when it does, you'll wonder why you were ever worried.
Wake up, pray up, boss up.
Better is coming.