(The pic above was posted in late March. This post was originally written on April 1st, more content was added since that date.)
For the first time in a while, I'm truly alone.
No husband. No boyfriend. No special friend. No boo thang. No nothing.
It's an exhilarating and depressing feeling all in one. Exhilarating because there's a lingering thought that if the man of my dreams comes at this moment, I am truly unattached. He could come right in, rescue me, and we go off into the sunset without me having to have a “Dear John” conversation. Depressing because who knows how long I'll sit here with no one wishing me a good morning. Or texting to see if I had a good day. No indication that I'm on someone's mind.
But, it's quiet. It's really quiet.
There's no arguing and no pressure to get my point heard.
There's no conversing about likes and dislikes.
There's no attempts to mesh two busy schedules to arrange quality time.
There's no guarding who you are or what you're about in fears of threatening potential.
There’s no second guessing any words, or actions on social media.
Nope, there’s none of that.
In addition, I'm getting work done (yessssss!)...
(Insert rolled eye here) except when my mind drifts and I check my phone to see zero new messages and I allow myself to get distracted by that for a few. After that, I begin imagining all the characteristics I want and all the things that Mr. Everything and I will do. I spend who knows how much time in LaLaLand or what I like to call Channingdom (don't know who Channing is? Then you've GOT to read my debut novel, "Trust Issues") Then eventually, some force snatches me back to reality and I finally continue work (wipes drool).
I don't complain about work though. I truly believe that God has cleaned my romance slate to give me the head space to hammer down the foundation I will eventually share with Mr. Everything.
I read on Facebook a question that asked why people say they are chasing money as opposed to chasing relationships…(and then went on to say that they aren’t in relationships because something is wrong with them—hmmm…I won’t get into that part tho), I have two answers. 1. It is my belief after multiple experiences, you shouldn’t chase a person of interest, nor a relationship. But more importantly, 2. I think SOME people come to the conclusion that a relationship, if not pre-existing, is therefore out of their control, whereas getting money is in their control; or that since a relationship does not exist, instead of wallowing in that fact, making money, building a solid foundation, perfecting the person you are; strengthening your table and what you bring to it, is slightly (or substantially) more important than trying to force a relationship to exist and thrive.
If I’ve learned nothing else in this silence, I’ve learned that God snatching all “potentials” away was a blessing. Every single man who left my side as I got closer and closer to the 3rd BIGGEST day of my life was more mental space being freed. While it was unfortunate to not have anyone to rejoice in my accomplishment, or to talk to when shit got a bit overwhelming, I figured if they dipped on me/us, for whatever reason (I’ll take my fault for part of it because I am not going to let you play me then, now, or ever) I didn’t need them and they were no longer worth the concern.
To be COMPLETELY HONEST I hate being alone. I hate being by myself. I hate being unattached. I hate the quiet.
But I know my time is precious and I would much rather spend my precious time providing a better life for my T&T and myself; building this empire; completing these projects, than to spend that time hearing a bunch of goddamn noise; a bunch of bullshit; having a bunch of stupid ass conversations. Having my mind all discombobulated because of the nonsense and wrecking my brain trying to figure out how to make it better.
Nope, that's a waste of my precious time.
Don't get me wrong, relationships take work, effort from both parties and will NOT always be a cakewalk. But when Mr. Everything comes, I will be ready to put in that work, that time, that energy, that attention, and that effort. But before this day came (April 1st when I started writing this post), I was holding on to foolishness for the sake of having it---NEVER a good plan. So, I stopped...
Because SOMETHING is NOT better than NOTHING.